I’m thankful to be alive at 58.
There was a time when I honestly didn’t think I would make it to 30.
So, believe me, I’m extremely grateful to still be above ground and that all my body parts are still functioning.
Sort of.
You see, my body has recently decided to betray me.
Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic.
Let's just say things aren't operating as efficiently as they used to.
Apparently, my body's warranty expired, and nobody bothered to send me a renewal notice.
My eyesight isn't what it used to be, and neither is my hearing.
Half the time, I can't see who's talking to me, and the other half, I can't hear what they're saying.
My knees and back constantly hurt for absolutely no reason.
And that's what bothers me the most!
I'm not exercising, lifting weights, running marathons, or doing anything remotely strenuous.
Apparently, just existing is now considered a physical activity.
And don't even get me started on sleeping!
Thanks to my enlarged prostate, I'm getting up to use the bathroom five times a night.
At this point, I should just move my bed into the bathroom and save myself the commute.
And then there's my marriage.
I used to enjoy sneaking up behind my wife to give her an unexpected hug, a kiss, or occasionally grab one of my favorite body parts of hers.
But apparently, those days are over.
Not because I've lost interest.
Oh, no!
It's because my bones have become a walking percussion section.
Every time I move, something cracks, pops, or snaps.
I sound like somebody stepping on a bag of potato chips.
I can't sneak up on my wife anymore.
She hears me coming from three rooms away!
The truth is, I expected most of these changes to happen as I got older.
The aches, the pains, the bathroom visits, and the strange noises coming from my body.
I've made peace with it all.
Well, almost all of it.
Because there's one change that I absolutely REFUSE to accept.
UNEXPLAINED HAIR GROWTH!
What in the world is going on?!
I'm becoming a human Chia Pet!
Hair is suddenly growing in places where hair has absolutely no business growing.
Random patches are popping up on my body like weeds in an abandoned parking lot.
And my nose hairs?
Good grief!
I'm starting to look like I've got two tiny bushes growing out of my nostrils.
But the worst offender?
MY EYEBROWS!
Somehow, I've completely lost control of them.
One day, they're perfectly normal.
The next day, I've got individual eyebrow hairs trying to reach my hairline.
I swear, one of them was long enough to comb over my bald spot!
And here's what really gets me.
The hair on my head is disappearing, but apparently, it's relocating to other parts of my body without my permission!
I didn't authorize this transfer!
Look, I can accept getting older.
I can accept the aches, the pains, the hearing problems, and the midnight bathroom marathons.
But I will NOT sit quietly while my eyebrows attempt to take over my face!
THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE!
I've got tweezers, scissors, and a nose-hair trimmer, and I'm not afraid to use them.
WAR HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN DECLARED!
Louie Lou Media
